I was listening to the IHOP livestream (That’s the International House of Prayer, not Pancakes, for the record), and I was just hit with this.

 ”¹  but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. ² Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. ³ The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst ⁴ they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. ⁵ Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?” ⁶ This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground. ⁷ And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” ⁸ And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. ⁹ But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. ¹⁰ Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” ¹¹ She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”]” – John 7:53-8:11

There is a lot more to that than we often realize.  “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw the first stone at her.” I think we sometimes forget that this isn’t just the case with this one woman.  How often do we cast stones in our every day lives?  “She’s not that pretty.”  Or, “He’s stupid.”  Or even going as far as judging each other’s hearts.  “He’s not a real Christian.  Look at how he makes fun of people.”  Isn’t judgement the same thing as making fun of people?  Doesn’t that make you equally guilty?

God has been dealing with my heart constantly lately when it comes to judging people, and with good reason, I must say.  It’s so easy to judge, yet so wrong to do so.  I, for one, am and will never be without sin until the day I reach Heaven.  So maybe I should put down my little self-made slingshot.  Who am I trying to fool, anyway?

Currently Listening To:  International House of Prayer Livestream http://www.ihop.org/prayerroom/ 

http://seg.sharethis.com/getSegment.php?purl=http%3A%2F%2Fadaliaangel.wordpress.com%2Fwp-admin%2Fpost-new.php%3Fpost_type%3Dpost&jsref=&rnd=1327642760171

I just got back from the Onething conference in Orlando last night.  Matt Gilman and Misty Edwards led the worship (if you don’t know who they are, you MUST check them out.  Life changing worship, no doubt).

It’s interesting, seeing how things went this weekend as opposed to how they’ve been up until this past year or so.
Before, a church event meant uncontrollable sobbing and chills from head to toe as God set me free from something, just for me to turn around and take it back up the next week and my life to stay the same.
Lately, there’s been far less sobbing, and almost no chill-factor, which I’ll admit that I do miss.  However, that’s because I have this…  Joy.  This peace.  Rather than throwing myself haphazardly across the floor, covered in my own snot and begging God to take away my suffering (emotional turmoil was something I struggled with greatly in high school), I can now stand before His throne, ‘arms wide open, heart exposed’ (Misty Edwards), and just revel in His incredible presence, and in the freedom He’s given me.  It’s incredible.  I do miss feeling fire running up and down throughout my body, the uncontrollable shaking I felt when His spirit would come over me like it used to, but I wouldn’t trade this freedom for the world. 

I know that eventually those indescribable feelings of His presence will return to me, and I’ll welcome them with open arms.  But the fact of the matter is, worship isn’t about emotions.  Well, it’s not about our emotions, but there could be an argument presented that it’s at least partially about God’s emotions.  The fact is, though, it’s not about us; it’s about Him.

I may not have been shaking or crying, or even prophesying all that much, but I was singing my heart out, raising my hands in surrender, and I knew, without a doubt that every word I sang I meant.  It was a beautiful thing.

It was during one of these times with God that it hit me.  “Take me through the fire, take me through the rain, take me through the testing, I’ll do anything.  Test me, try me, prove me, refine me like the gold…  Like the gold.”
Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a special bond with the concept of the refiner’s fire – it’s the basis on which the tattoo I will soon be getting is grounded.

But what hit me at this point was a question – “Would you really do anything?”

The power did hit me at that point.  I threw my hands up and I could feel the electric current running from my fingertips straight into the sky, like I was touching the deepest part of myself to God in Heaven.  It felt as if I was reaching through the veil between Heaven and Earth, if only for a moment…  And I said, “Yes, Lord!” (maybe not literally at that point, though I did say that phrase repeatedly throughout the weekend)

And that’s when He said it; that’s when I knew.

I love Chris.  I won’t deny that for a second.  But when it comes down to it, would I give Him up for Jesus?

He (God)  told me to go to the International House of Prayer.  To take six months of my life and dedicate them souly to the purpose of basking in His glory and drawing near to Him with a fervence that most never experience.

IHOP is in Kansas City, MO.  That’s pretty far away from home.  In order to do this internship, I’ll lose all of my scholarships for other schools.  All of my financial aid will be gone because I “took a break” from academics for a semester.  Even my relationship with Chris could come to an end entirely.  He’s not sure yet whether he, too, is called to this lifestyle of constant worship and prayer.  It will be a very intense path to take.  But I’ve never felt such a peace, joy, excitement, longing….  Purpose to do something in my entire life, and it is undeniably and unshakably from God.

Even if my college dreams are never achieved, even if Chris and I end our relationship because of the distance between us, even if I never get to be an artist like I’d always hoped (though I think I still will – God doesn’t place desires and talents in us for nothing – I’m excited to see this talent used for His glory), it will be more than worth it to have been able to get to know my Father, my Lover in Heaven in a way I’d never dreamed I could find before.

I’m determined to make my life into a love letter to God.  What better purpose is there?

Currently Listening To: Lovesick – Misty Edwards

I, personally, would rather see human trafficking put to an end.  I’d like to see funding for more orphanages in Africa.  I would like to see more schools being built where there aren’t any.  And you tell me Internet Censorship is a huge threat.

What really matters, anyway?

Image from Damir-Olejar from http://browse.deviantart.com/resources/stockart/?q=travel#/d280t0f

I would like to begin this post with “I love the rain!”

Well.  Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, onto official business.

Okay, so I’m really just trying to waste time before my 12:30 class, which, by the way, I’m kind of sort of dreading this semester.  Geology…  Sounds as boring as it is.  Everyone should know this by now, but science and I are mortal enemies, especially since my professor began the class by teaching us the Big Bang Theory…  In detail.  It’s horrific.

Anyway, one class I am looking forward to is Humanities.  The teacher is a Christian, and he’s pretty much hilarious.  I’ve only had one class with him thus far, and already he’s inspired me to pursue dreams that I forgot existed for such a long time.  My professor – I wish I could remember his name – has traveled around the world studying art, religion, and history.  He specializes in Latin American art, but he takes an interest in basically all of it.  Our first assignment of the semester is going to be a “Creativity” assignment.  I’m not sure what that involves yet, but I will say that I am very excited to find out.  Humanities is going to be a glorious enrichment for one boring life.  Who knows?  Maybe by the end of the semester I’ll be sold on the idea of going to St. Stephen’s.  I’ll admit I want to, but fear is a very cruel thing, and it does have a habit of weighing me down.

I’ve decided to change my major as well, by the way.  I shall no longer be an art major.  Instead, I have decided to go for childhood education.  Lately, God has reawakened my heart to its love for children, and I do have a passion for both English and art, so I figured I’d put it all together and see what happens.  I will admit that this is partially due to my Early Childood Education class, which, by the way, I am also excited about.

I am overjoyed at the ability to inform the world that I’m coming, and I am bringing change.  Apathy has been defeated, and I’m pressing on full force toward the person that God has called me to be.

How can you love someone whom you can’t share your heart with?

I’m beginning to believe that you can’t.  Yes, I know, I’m more than a little slow for having just now come to this realization.  The fact is, it’s been there all along.  I’ve just chosen to ignore it.  I’d rather keep trying to convince myself that things will get better with time.

Will they really?

Will he stop having an obsession with heavy metal?  Will he actually start communicating with me?  Will he start being responsible?  I highly doubt it.

When it comes down to it, honestly, I’m convinced that he doesn’t really care about me.  He cares about keeping me around – We’ve been companions for quite a while now.  But he doesn’t care about me as a person.  He doesn’t take interest in my hopes and dreams, in what’s in my head.  He doesn’t care to share anything that’s going on in his own world.  He doesn’t catch underlying significance in a single word I say.  Most of the time he doesn’t even listen to the words I say right to his face.

I’m starting to believe we feel the exact same about each other – “I love you because you’re familiar; because you’re right here in front of me.  But I don’t love you for you.”

I’ve been saying this for at least a month now.  I think it’s time to see where life takes me as an individual, without having to try to convince myself I am loved.

Will I do anything about it?  I doubt it.  But at least I’m being honest.

Mount Dora, FL Christmas Lights 2011

My best friend started school again today after a long and glorious winter break full of shopping, cuddling, laughing, crying, arguing, and LOTS of eating.  Eating chocolate, eating cheese-covered chips, eating more tacos and burgers than any one person should handle…  And we probably each consumed about a gallon of soda during the brief lapse of time between mid-December and today.

During said winter break, I had so many moodswings that you’d swear I was sixteen again.  I could definitely do without the scream-fests, thank you very much.  I kind of ended up slacking on EVERYTHING I should have been keeping up with.

I haven’t regularly read my Bible since the middle of December.  I haven’t really prayed since the same time.  My room is more trashed than usual.  I almost blew my engine because I forgot to put oil in my car after we went to Disney (where I yelled at poor, unexpecting Chris all day, and bit his giant lollipop in half like an evil candy-consuming child).  Overall, I did a great job at wasting just about an eternity doing absolutely nothing that will benefit me or anyone around me.  Congratulations, Angel.  You’ve successfully gotten through winter break.  What do you have to show for it?

….Oh, um….  About that….

NEXT QUESTION!

So what is the next question, anyway?  First, I would like to point out the fact that I am not at all proud of who I’ve become recently.  God and I have been duking it out for the last two or three days or so, since I decided I’m talking to Him again.  (I know, right?  Who gets mad at God?  It never does any good, but I’m all like, “Sorry God, I can’t hear a word You’re saying, because I’m watching Netflix, making myself fat, and throwing my life down the drain.  So be quiet until the end of this episode, ‘kay?”)  It’s a stupid notion, but since when are people intelligent?  I know I certainly have my moments of the opposite.

With that being said, the next question is this:  What am I going to do to change it?

First:  I’m going to start praying, reading my Bible, and going to ALL of the church services I’m supposed to attend again.  Nothing in life can go right if your relationship with God isn’t right.  He IS life.

Second:  I’m going to read 1 Corinthians 13 repeatedly until I’m reciting it in my sleep…  Specifically when I’m angry and get the urge to yell at only the sweetest boyfriend ever – who apparently already has this chapter memorized, as he lives it so truly toward me the majority of the time.

Third:  My room will.be.cleaned.  I don’t care if it takes me a century to do it, it WILL be done!  I’ve purchased a few storage bins and rearranged things over and over during the last few weeks.  The only thing I’ve come up with is this:  “I’ve come to the conclusion that my bedroom is secretly a black hole, which is why, regardless of how hard I try, I can never seem to find my floor – or my bed.”  Not very encouraging.  But IT WILL BE DONE!

Fourth:  I’m going to stop being late for work.  And church.  And dinner at Chris’s dad’s house.  And everything else I’m ALWAYS late for.  I’m getting tired of it.

Fifth:  I’m going to draw something every day.  I haven’t done a good drawing since last summer, and it’s getting on my nerves.  Despite my lack of inspiration, I intend to crank out some lovely blended colors or suggestion lines or shaded patches each and every day.  Perhaps I’ll even keep an update on here of how it’s going.

Sixth:  I am going to save money.  I’ve done a wonderful job at spending hundreds… No, actually, it’s thousands of dollars since last semester.  On nothing of good consequence.  Except this laptop here of course.  Best investment I’ve made all year.  Okay, so it’s last year now, but you get the picture. ^-^

Seventh:  I am going to get healthy.  I have blood sugar problems.  I have no business consuming chocolate like it’s candy.  Wait a minute…

Seriously though, you get what I’m saying.  I’m going to lose the fiveish pounds I gained over the break, drink more water, run and walk a bit, and try to trade at least some of my fast food consumption with a good healthy cheese, bacon, and dressing-filled salad.  Hey, it’s a start.

Eight:  I am going to replenish my steadily dying GPA.  Going from a 3.6 to a 2.0 in two semesters is not acceptable.

It’s time to get in gear.  So I guess you could consider this my New Years Resolution blog.  Every blogger has to have one of those, right?

Currently Listening To:  Whatever it is that my Neighbors are Blasting at the Moment.  Sounds Kind of Gospely.

By Retoucher07030 from: http://browse.deviantart.com/resources/stockart/?q=Christmas cookies&order=9&offset=0#/d1rx7wa

Think I’m joking?  Walk into my house – or, rather my parents’ house – and behold….  No Christmas tree.  Not a single decoration.  The gifts are piled, wrapped, on the coffee table with about 500 other useless objects.  Where’s the tradition?  Where are the cards, the giftwrap?  In some other house, where people cook, and bake, and keep things clean, and decorate, and have laundry done every day…  Certainly not here.  There’s no trace of that in this house.

It may seem shallow, but it does bother me to some extent.  What kind of home is so messy that you can’t even walk?  Mine.  Wouldn’t you rather have a peaceful, nicely decorated little place, where there’s a hot meal at least sometimes, and, I don’t know…  Maybe, at least around the holidays, there’d be some sort of baking…?  Is that too “normal”?  Because that’s what I want sometimes…

Chris and I have already begun discussing our future traditions.  One thing I look forward to is the accumulation of one Christmas ornament per family member each year.  It’s a small, inexpensive way to ensure that everyone feels at home in the holiday season..  Because each person gets a choice.  And I, for one, do intend to bake.  I may burn down the house once or twice, but my goodness, I’ll certainly try my hardest!

I’m not getting an Mp3 player or a guitar or a new cell phone for Christmas this year from my parents.  I’m getting a coffee table.  Yep, you read that right.  I’m getting furniture for Christmas.  This gorgeous piece, to be exact:

I’m very excited to see it personally – it’s coming from a catalogue.  I guess, with all this future-making, it just makes me slightly sad to leave my childhood behind without even an experience of a proper tradition.  Rest assured, however, that I shall be a homemaker, decorator, chef, and wife…  The best that I can possibly be.  There’ll be a Christmas tree in my home – every year.

Currently Listening To:  Something in the Water – Brooke Fraser

“I’m going to work on showing love in the form of patience and kindness.”

Look at how much I’ve failed thus far in doing so.

If there’s no action behind the words you speak, should you really say them?  It’s easy to talk about changing…  To get yourself psyched up for doing things differently, for being better.  It’s a totally different thing to actually stand up, in the middle of a stressful situation, when the pressure is on, and still show love.  Still act how you said you’re going to.

It’s hard, when you’re craving soda, not to drink it.

It’s hard, when someone gets on your nerves, not to lose your patience with them.

But if it was easy, what would be the point?  Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy.

And so I continue to fight.  I’ll admit, I still do more talking about it than changing, but at least talking about it gets me in the mindset to focus on love again.  I feel like one of my biggest problems is getting too distracted by other things.

So this is love: Take Two.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Image by twinkiexstocks from http://browse.deviantart.com/resources/?q=love&order=9&offset=24#/dyx0zs

If I replace the word “Love” with the word “Angel,” would the statement still be true?  (concept by Max Lucado from the book A Love Worth Giving)

“Angel is patient and kind…”

Well….  Not exactly.  Remember this morning when my brother asked me to bring him money at school, and I asked my dad to do it instead because I didn’t feel like going?  I was impatient with my time, and I was unkind.

Just last night, Chris and I went on an amazing date.  We went to our favorite cafe for open mic night, heard some talented musicians, and walked around a beautifully-Christmas-lit town after dusk.  It was an incredible time, overall.  When we arrived at his house, he said to me, “This peace that we have right now is really amazing.  Don’t get upset, but honestly, I would have expected yelling by now…  Yelling at me for some reason; over something.”

Why would he have that fear?  Why is it that I would treat someone like that?  Especially someone I love?  Maybe it’s because more often than not, people forget what love really is.  What it looks like.

“Love is patient and kind;”

I highly doubt Love would yell at her boyfriend over something insignificant.  I highly doubt Love would grow impatient with someone who takes too long to find his or her money while standing at the checkout, even if there is a line behind him or her.

On the contrary, Love would have patience with her boyfriend; with her customers.  Love would kindly offer a customer an extra nickel, or even an extra five dollar bill, if he or she was short.  Love would wait as long as she had to, take as long, and be as understanding as neccesary to ensure that the other person is just that – loved.

Today, I seek to show love.  Specifically through patience and kindness.

How do you love?

Currently Listening To:  Overcome – Hillsong